For The Attention of Masters and Miss Wills. To be opened on the event of Miss Wills’s 18th birthday.
Masters and Miss Wills,
I am writing on behalf of my client, Mrs Sarah Wills, to seek damages to her person – both physical and psychological – which were inflicted upon her during your young childhood. She regrets that she has been forced to take such action but, in her words, she has been left ‘wrecked’ by your antics and shenanigans. Our claim is detailed below. In invoice format.
Laser treatment required to repair stretch marks and scarring: £550
Tummy tuck to return abdomen to previous ‘bikini bod’ state: £5350
Breast Uplift to return boobs to previous ‘cherry bun’ state: £5500
Facelift to return face to previous unlined state: £6400
Eyelid Surgery to return eyes to previous awake & alert state: £1600
Chronic Fatigue. My Client maintains that this is a direct result of your inability, in particular Wills Minor and Miss Wills, to sleep consistently over a period of 2615 nights and to persist in waking up each and every morning between 4.30-6am during this time.
The inability to finish a sentence. My Client maintains that this is due to the fact that she has been interrupted during every phone call and conversation during a 5 year period (in reference particularly to Wills Major). As a result of this, she now struggles to concentrate and drifts off the point when permitted to speak.
The inability to sit still. My Client maintains that this is due to your incessant demands for snacks, drinks and toileting. Your propensity to run off when out of the home environment. Your inability to concentrate on a task (jigsaw, board game etc) for longer than 2 minutes. She has therefore become utterly unaccustomed to sitting still, even when she has company, and instead spends any ‘down time’ wiping surfaces repeatedly as her guests look on baffled and bemused.
Emotional Trauma. My Client maintains that, prior to having children, she was an emotional stone. Unmoved by weepy films, wedding speeches and the like. She now finds herself teary at anything. She will cry at any of the following: anything containing Old People; anything containing Children; anything containing people doing well at something; anything containing people being disappointed at not succeeding. She is unable to watch Children in Need, Comic Relief, Remembrance Day services, Pride of Britain Awards….the list goes on.
We are seeking damages in the order of £500,000 to cover surgery, non-invasive remedial procedures, therapy, counselling, psychoanalysis and a really really loooong holiday.
My client would, however, consider abandoning her claim in return for an assurance from yourselves that you will never emigrate, always return her phonecalls, and let her live with you (preference to Miss Wills) when she is an old lady.
In an effort to return my ravaged bod to an acceptable state, I am attempting to eat a little healthier and do a bit more exercise, in readiness for a charity bike ride in October. This salad from Good Food is one of our favourites and you feel cleansed by its wholesome goodness as you eat it.
Take 100g Pearl Barley and boil until tender (this takes about an hour). Steam some green beans until just al dente. Mix the cooked pearl barley with the beans, a chopped yellow pepper, some cold leftover chicken, some chopped parsley, half a red onion (finely chopped), some lemon zest. Then mix up a dressing of olive oil, red wine vinegar, paprika and Dijon mustard. Top with some toasted flaked almonds. Scrumdiddlyumptious! Let’s hope it does the trick, otherwise surgery may be my only option (and those littlies can pay!) 😉