SURVEILLANCE REPORT: Subject: Scruffy female, approx 45 years of age.
5.32am: Subject can be seen slumped on sofa with a small toddler, female. Toddler is sitting on subject’s chest. Subject appears unconscious.
7.09am: Front door opens. Subject collects in milk, clearly unaware that she is wearing novelty antlers.
8.32am: Subject departs homestead on bike. She is carrying an approximately 3 year old boy on her crossbar. A 4/5 year old boy rides haphazardly in front of her. She hollers instructions to him. They are ignored.
8.45am: Subject and offspring arrive at local school. Subject appears harassed and sweaty. Other parents gaze uneasily at her. The older boy runs off into the school woods. Subject hollers at him to return. She is ignored.
9am: Subject re-appears through school gates. She is wearing her bike helmet but commences walk home.
9.02am: Subject returns to collect bike.
9.10am: Subject arrives at homestead. After returning bicycle to shed she approaches front door. Subject appears to ‘bleep’ front door with what looks like a car key. She repeats this action twice before realisation dawns. Subject shakes head and enters property in the traditional manner.
10am: Subject appears in front room with steaming beverage. Settles self on sofa. The television is tuned to CBeebies. 10 minutes elapses before subject realises and eventually turns over.
Surveillance Terminated: Subject is clearly suffering either from a neurological complaint, or extreme fatigue. Recommend trip to GP followed by week-long holiday on secluded island
Sorry to bang on about being tired. It’s just that we are so very very deeply tired. These little blighters have taken to spending the night prowling around. Appearing like spectres by our bed. And waking up hours before the larks would even consider hitting their snooze button.
The eighties might have given us strikes, recession and global economic unrest (plus ca change…) but at least you were allowed to give your children sedatives. When I went to see my Health Visitor, almost weeping with fatigue, she told me to go away and keep a sleep diary. Give me drugs woman, or zip it ….
My children like novelty. A lump of grilled meat might get the trademark sneer. Now. Spear that meat with a wooden skewer, and shabang! Their little faces light up and they skip to the table.
Lamb Kofte for tea then. Mix 500g lamb mince with a finely diced onion, a handful of chopped parsley, half a tsp of ground coriander. Soak the all-important wooden skewers in water for a bit. Squish the lamb mixture into sausage shapes and jab with a skewer. Grill until cooked through.
A homemade tomato sauce: A diced onion, a crushed garlic clove softened in olive oil. Add two tins of tomatoes, a shake of cayenne powder (optional) and a tsp sugar. Simmer till you have a lovely thick rich sauce. Serve with couscous, some soured cream (or natural yoghurt would do), and maybe a splodge of mint sauce if you’re feeling frivolous! I also griddle some aubergines for the grown -up version…possibly a step too far for my babies.
I’m off to get some shut eye. If little madam will let me.
Footnote: I have stupidly arranged to do a 40km bike ride with some fellow mums to raise money for the Fusspot’s Pre-School. To find out more, and to sponsor us if you can, please click here. Much appreciated, thank you 🙂 x